RELATIONSHIPS & HUMAN BEHAVIOR

The B-Roll

This column is intended as a place to voice observations.  Consider it constructive criticism.  Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over.  That being said, onto the business of observation.

Lord knows that I am no expert on relationships, but by participating in the act of courtship I've learned many things about myself and others.  We all have the basic needs for touch, intimacy, and eye contact.  In dating, one of the most interesting components that few people focus on is approach.  There are two general schools of thought that play out in relationships...PASSIVE & ACTIVE.  Both have their PROS & CONS.

PASSIVE: Passivity is taking the quiet role, and only engaging a response when one feels a limit or quota to some end has been reached.  Usually the response also takes a passive form, such as a few scattered ambiguous words, or a response like "I didn't hear what you said" or "OK" or my personal favorite silence and a glazed stare.  Most people that practice this function as a default seemingly have commitment issues.  Only ever ending up in a commitment through the activism of another and ergo never at "fault" when something goes wrong even if they are at fault because they are of the opinion that because they are quiet or don't make a lot of noise that they are in fact blameless.  These people also tend to have lots of friends they filter things through and make decisions by committee rather than using their own judgement and instinct.  I've found PASSIVE to be the most common type of engagement when dating.

ACTIVE: Active people have no problem telling you that they are interested in pursuing an interest with another individual.  They usually are very direct and concise and much quicker to commit.  Many people use the following words to describe people in this role: INTIMIDATING, CLINGY, OVERBEARING, MEAN, DIRECT.  Active people may at times be over emphatic or intense in their approach.  Unrelenting and annoying to the one they wish to pursue.  For the most part when both partners are cooperative there are no real issues so far as commitments are concerned.  However, when a passive and active come into contact and the active shows  interest, even if the passive is interested, the relationship is usually doomed.  True communication is halted before it ever has a chance to flourish.

I was at a community coffee shop where one of the very attractive boys behind the counter was showing his text messages he had received from a new suitor to his co-workers and rating the responses.  Passing judgement on the poor soul that he was lucky enough to have compliment him.  I found it thoroughly disgusting and tried picturing the individual fat bald lonely and shiny in 20 years with a big "L" stamped to his head.  Now mind you I don't know the details so I'm no one to say anything, but I do respect the idea and institution of love enough to use a higher amount of discretion when it comes to sensitive affairs.  After all...it involves someones real feelings and vulnerabilities and that's not to be scoffed at.  In any case, what he hadn't realized is how unattractive he had made himself after that point and that through his actions he showed how childish and baffoonish he really was.  To me it was unfortunate for the other on the receiving end. So in the spirit of building healthier relationships in general we continue as follows.

Depending on the time, sometimes we'll fall into the role of passive or active.  Even if our tendency is to naturally gravitate towards one or the other.  So let's conclude with a few simple rules about dating and relationships if we can...

1. Keep eye contact (Nothing is more annoying than to have the person you're interested in scan the room, and how are you going to know what someone means if you're not looking at them.)

2. Be honest.  Brutally honest.  Even if it hurts (You will lose a lot of people here right from the start.  Trust me they're not relationship material.  You're not a mind reader no matter how "gifted" you think you are.  An added bonus is you will develop a talent for spotting your partners lies rather quickly this way.  In a long term it's a win/win.)

3. Your needs first balanced with their needs in a realistic setting. (You can't do the impossible.  You can't sacrifice yourself or happiness for someone elses satisfaction just because you don't want to be alone.  It'll never work.)

4. Keep a balanced perspective on all your friends. (This is a big one.  Remember your partner is ALSO your friend and if he's not, he SHOULD be and you've got way bigger problems that require a therapist.  Coincidentally real friends are cautious when engaging you about a relation and even when being firm and frank in a delicate situation, they often won't over speak unless they're impassioned.  They will often just be supportive sounding boards.)

5. LOVE YOURSELF (If you aren't happy, no relationship, person, change of atmosphere, person, or income will help.  They will cover the problem.  Don't ever pass off your old baggage to your new beau.  they had nothing to do with your old self and the PAST is in the PAST.  Make today count for you and for something)

We could go on forever, believe me I find this topic wildly fascinating, but I think we're at a good point here.  Give me a shout!  As always I welcome your opinions.  GOOD LUCK BITCHES!

FLH (mike bitar)

www.reverbnation.com/label/mkrecords

ADH-SEX

The B-Roll

This column is intended as a place to voice observations.  Consider it constructive criticism.  Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over.  That being said, onto the business of observation.

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from Bi-Polar Mania.  I'm TYPE1 which means I can do normal things like go to work and such.  I've been on and off of medication.  Mostly off.  I find that it interferes and I don't even recognize myself and get more depressed than I ever could without it.  My life for the most part has been pretty normal.

What's interesting to notes is not the middles which tend to be long and stable.  It's the onset of the swings that are worth noting.  They probably occur more than I may be aware of.  The reason I say this is because I still go about my daily duties with little or no interference.

This time around was something of a mind fuck.  It started out easily enough.  I've been horny.  I haven't had sex in months and I've been holding out for a date-worthy candidate.  I thought I'd found one in someone.  At first I didn't really think much of the dude.  Though he was you're typical drunken 40 something.  I met him through a very old friend of mine that I'm currently on the outs with.  We'll get into that later.

I was invited over to the 40 something's house, where my friend had already been.  I fell in love with his house and realized there was more to this guy than I thought.  He had great taste in music, great style & he could cook. We (the 40 something and I) had been texting about getting together and making love.  I told him that more than anything what I wanted was to kiss, but beyond that I felt I needed to have intercourse.

The feeling was terrible.  Hot co-workers would walk by and I wanted to be all over them.  It was almost too much to take.  Still at this point it looked like I was going to get what I needed so desperately, but the friend wouldn't leave.  At one point I asked him if a house needed to fall on him.  He left one hour later.

We proceeded to have sex, it was feeling great, and somewhere along the line he pulled out and stopped.  He came and left me without an orgasm.  He said he'd get around to it later.  He didn't.

This was all very frustrating!

Day 2 came along and I was invited to his house to get my orgasm which I was assured would happen.  The "FRIEND" who by the way used to date him had already been performing a 2 part cock block.  The first was  inviting himself over that night after full well knowing why I was there.  The second which I was unaware of was disclosing my HIV status to the man.  I became aware after the 40 something told me...

I was a bit mortified.  That was my thing to tell.  I felt up against it.  I left his house with no orgasm, bitter, lonely, and sad.

When I awoke the next morning, I tried to jokingly imply via text to my friend that I didn't appreciate his interruptions.  He immediately texted back in a furious fashion.

I snapped and read him to filth.  It was all i could do to keep from crying.  I WAS FURIOUS!...And I couldn't control any thing from that point on for a good 4 or 5 hours.  It felt like a tidal wave or an earthquake in my mind and body.

When it was all over I realized what had happened and as remorseful as i was, I felt and still feel I did the very best I could with the situation.  Now I'm minus 1 lover and minus 1 friend.  What's done is done and can't be undone.  It doesn't hurt too bad but I am in a mild depression after all of this, where I may be for a good month.  This blog unfortunately doesn't have any happy ending or conclusions.  I just wanted to share it with people to see if anyone else suffers from this illness in isolation and loneliness the way I do.

Many people take for granted the need for human touch, and some of us really suffer without it.  I hope you enjoyed this or could relate to it in some way.  cheers!

Time, Love and Happiness!

The B-Roll

This column is intended as a place to voice observations.  Consider it constructive criticism.  Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over.  That being said, onto the business of observation. 

I decided to uproot myself in the hopes of turning 40 with some dignity.  I moved to where I was born; Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  Since I've been back I've realized my spirit and conviction stronger than ever, and despite the always inevitable setbacks, the journey has been a fluid and sometimes overwhelming journey.  With my dad recovering from stroke in Orlando where I came from, I'm somewhat guilt ridden.  The plans were set in motion months before anything had happened so the timing couldn't have been worse.  Once here the plans I had for accommodations quickly vanished.  Much to my shigrin I was homeless and spent the better part of the first week at a friends house who had luckily walked in at the last minute before the emergence of the ugly lights.  In staying with him I realized that not only did my friend seem to suggest I owe him sex for accommodations, but something in him had changed...He was no longer the cool dude I left behind over 10 years ago.  A similar encounter the couple weeks earlier before coming down happened when I cam to find a very good friend of mine had changed...He was now addicted to crack.  This is not to say I have never faced demons...on the contrary I have faced pointed dragons and delved into demon worlds I've had little business in myself.  I just never thought it wise to stay too long.  I've lost a lot of friends down the way but feel now more than ever that I know myself.  I know the GODS are merciful or at the very least amusing and kinky....I look forward to the days ahead.  Gainfully employed but still broke...a new home has found its way to me, and my deepest regards for those angels helping me in this time of transition...

NAMASTE-

The B-Roll

This column is intended as a place to voice observations.  Consider it constructive criticism.  Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over.  That being said, onto the business of observation.
 

I spoke last month about how we would discuss relationships.  Over the past month I’ve analyzed my relationship with myself to see how it affects me those around me as well.  I’ve discovered that like it or not, I (most likely we, all) have two distinct sides that dependent on the cranial work load may or may not be visible to me but do compete for my decision making regardless.  I’m making choices not even knowing I'm making choices.  My therapist refers to it as Impulse Control Disorder.

It’s why many of us choose the escapes we do as well as why we take on the challenges we do.  It’s a chance for us to see what’s right and wrong, good and bad, for us and nobody else.  It’s an opportunity for an outsider to recognize the power in their reaction and their ability to enact their personal compassion, as well as one for the insider to come to the sincerity and prowess of their plights.

As friends, lovers, partners, co-workers, and fellow human being, I believe it is our given duty to facilitate those with less, to align them and bring them into balance.  For they have a job to do, and might just be able to teach you something.

As the one receiving, care love, help, and charity, please remember that all gifts are on borrowed time and not to forget to give back whenever you can.  There never seems enough to go around these days.

In short, possibly the best way to improve all the relationships in your life may just be to fundamentally be good to yourself and  others .  That’s it for this Blog kids.  NEXT STOP……FASHION!

Mike Bitar

LINK OF THE MOMENT...

CATASTROPHIC FAILURE!

The B-Roll

This column is intended as a place to voice observations.  Consider it constructive criticism.  Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over.  That being said, onto the business of observation. 

 

When throwing a show at a nightclub, there are a myriad of problems that can and do go wrong.  Most of these things occur behind the scenes, so consider this your peek behind one of the many privies behind the velvet rope.  There’s anything from wardrobe malfunction, to bad audio, equipment and format incompatibilities, lighting and electrical failures, and on the occasion, catastrophic failure.  All this to ensure the entertainment of our patrons as they blissfully sip their drink of the moment and go about the primal ritual of modern day courtship (don’t lie).

I’ve worked behind the scenes in town for about six years at this point, and grew up a fly on the wall in many a night club back home in the MIA.  In my 12 or so years working in this business I’ve noticed onethat about every decade or so, the crowd changes.  Sometimes mildly, other times drastically.  I come from a time called the gay 90’s.  In those days…everyone hung out with everyone.  There were only two groups…the cool kids, and everybody else.  All the music went Untz!, Untz!, Untz!, and the lines went around the block and on a mirror in the V.I.P. bathroom.  The DJ and staff were revered and respected.  People were engaged, making up anything they could to get in to the clubs.  All people seemed more united and copacetic.

These days, when I look around, something I notice is people on cell phones on the dance floor.  Why?  Are you not that good a dancer or do you just enjoy being the visible douchebag on the phone for everyone to see.  Something else I notice is people texting while shows are going on.  Can’t it wait?  You had forever on Facebook  & Adam to get your trade, Rx, whatever.  You can’t watch the show and text at the same time.  Entertainment requires an investment in your attention.  It’s also extremely rude to the performer and defeats the purpose entirely.  Please wait until the performance is over before you voice criticism.  It allows the performer to give the full performance and the person next to you who may be enjoying it to continue to do so without your input.

Those of us in the business of nightclubbing and entertainment go through a lot to entertain you.  If you’re a person new to the scene, you’re basically a guest in the house of gaydom.  It’s our “church” that’s been going on for many decades.  You wouldn’t get up from the pew and start critiquing the minister on his sermon.

Attitude is everything.  A good attitude and respect for those around you and behind the scenes ensures that everyone, including you, has a good time.  See you at the club. “Untz!, Untz!, Untz!”…

Mike Bitar