The B-Roll
This column is intended as a place to voice observations. Consider it constructive criticism. Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over. That being said, onto the business of observation.
Lord knows that I am no expert on relationships, but by participating in the act of courtship I've learned many things about myself and others. We all have the basic needs for touch, intimacy, and eye contact. In dating, one of the most interesting components that few people focus on is approach. There are two general schools of thought that play out in relationships...PASSIVE & ACTIVE. Both have their PROS & CONS.
PASSIVE: Passivity is taking the quiet role, and only engaging a response when one feels a limit or quota to some end has been reached. Usually the response also takes a passive form, such as a few scattered ambiguous words, or a response like "I didn't hear what you said" or "OK" or my personal favorite silence and a glazed stare. Most people that practice this function as a default seemingly have commitment issues. Only ever ending up in a commitment through the activism of another and ergo never at "fault" when something goes wrong even if they are at fault because they are of the opinion that because they are quiet or don't make a lot of noise that they are in fact blameless. These people also tend to have lots of friends they filter things through and make decisions by committee rather than using their own judgement and instinct. I've found PASSIVE to be the most common type of engagement when dating.
ACTIVE: Active people have no problem telling you that they are interested in pursuing an interest with another individual. They usually are very direct and concise and much quicker to commit. Many people use the following words to describe people in this role: INTIMIDATING, CLINGY, OVERBEARING, MEAN, DIRECT. Active people may at times be over emphatic or intense in their approach. Unrelenting and annoying to the one they wish to pursue. For the most part when both partners are cooperative there are no real issues so far as commitments are concerned. However, when a passive and active come into contact and the active shows interest, even if the passive is interested, the relationship is usually doomed. True communication is halted before it ever has a chance to flourish.
I was at a community coffee shop where one of the very attractive boys behind the counter was showing his text messages he had received from a new suitor to his co-workers and rating the responses. Passing judgement on the poor soul that he was lucky enough to have compliment him. I found it thoroughly disgusting and tried picturing the individual fat bald lonely and shiny in 20 years with a big "L" stamped to his head. Now mind you I don't know the details so I'm no one to say anything, but I do respect the idea and institution of love enough to use a higher amount of discretion when it comes to sensitive affairs. After all...it involves someones real feelings and vulnerabilities and that's not to be scoffed at. In any case, what he hadn't realized is how unattractive he had made himself after that point and that through his actions he showed how childish and baffoonish he really was. To me it was unfortunate for the other on the receiving end. So in the spirit of building healthier relationships in general we continue as follows.
Depending on the time, sometimes we'll fall into the role of passive or active. Even if our tendency is to naturally gravitate towards one or the other. So let's conclude with a few simple rules about dating and relationships if we can...
1. Keep eye contact (Nothing is more annoying than to have the person you're interested in scan the room, and how are you going to know what someone means if you're not looking at them.)
2. Be honest. Brutally honest. Even if it hurts (You will lose a lot of people here right from the start. Trust me they're not relationship material. You're not a mind reader no matter how "gifted" you think you are. An added bonus is you will develop a talent for spotting your partners lies rather quickly this way. In a long term it's a win/win.)
3. Your needs first balanced with their needs in a realistic setting. (You can't do the impossible. You can't sacrifice yourself or happiness for someone elses satisfaction just because you don't want to be alone. It'll never work.)
4. Keep a balanced perspective on all your friends. (This is a big one. Remember your partner is ALSO your friend and if he's not, he SHOULD be and you've got way bigger problems that require a therapist. Coincidentally real friends are cautious when engaging you about a relation and even when being firm and frank in a delicate situation, they often won't over speak unless they're impassioned. They will often just be supportive sounding boards.)
5. LOVE YOURSELF (If you aren't happy, no relationship, person, change of atmosphere, person, or income will help. They will cover the problem. Don't ever pass off your old baggage to your new beau. they had nothing to do with your old self and the PAST is in the PAST. Make today count for you and for something)
We could go on forever, believe me I find this topic wildly fascinating, but I think we're at a good point here. Give me a shout! As always I welcome your opinions. GOOD LUCK BITCHES!
FLH (mike bitar)
