ADH-SEX

The B-Roll

This column is intended as a place to voice observations.  Consider it constructive criticism.  Cat fights aren’t good for anyone and lord knows the poor animals end up very hurt and distraught by the time the cat fight is over.  That being said, onto the business of observation.

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from Bi-Polar Mania.  I'm TYPE1 which means I can do normal things like go to work and such.  I've been on and off of medication.  Mostly off.  I find that it interferes and I don't even recognize myself and get more depressed than I ever could without it.  My life for the most part has been pretty normal.

What's interesting to notes is not the middles which tend to be long and stable.  It's the onset of the swings that are worth noting.  They probably occur more than I may be aware of.  The reason I say this is because I still go about my daily duties with little or no interference.

This time around was something of a mind fuck.  It started out easily enough.  I've been horny.  I haven't had sex in months and I've been holding out for a date-worthy candidate.  I thought I'd found one in someone.  At first I didn't really think much of the dude.  Though he was you're typical drunken 40 something.  I met him through a very old friend of mine that I'm currently on the outs with.  We'll get into that later.

I was invited over to the 40 something's house, where my friend had already been.  I fell in love with his house and realized there was more to this guy than I thought.  He had great taste in music, great style & he could cook. We (the 40 something and I) had been texting about getting together and making love.  I told him that more than anything what I wanted was to kiss, but beyond that I felt I needed to have intercourse.

The feeling was terrible.  Hot co-workers would walk by and I wanted to be all over them.  It was almost too much to take.  Still at this point it looked like I was going to get what I needed so desperately, but the friend wouldn't leave.  At one point I asked him if a house needed to fall on him.  He left one hour later.

We proceeded to have sex, it was feeling great, and somewhere along the line he pulled out and stopped.  He came and left me without an orgasm.  He said he'd get around to it later.  He didn't.

This was all very frustrating!

Day 2 came along and I was invited to his house to get my orgasm which I was assured would happen.  The "FRIEND" who by the way used to date him had already been performing a 2 part cock block.  The first was  inviting himself over that night after full well knowing why I was there.  The second which I was unaware of was disclosing my HIV status to the man.  I became aware after the 40 something told me...

I was a bit mortified.  That was my thing to tell.  I felt up against it.  I left his house with no orgasm, bitter, lonely, and sad.

When I awoke the next morning, I tried to jokingly imply via text to my friend that I didn't appreciate his interruptions.  He immediately texted back in a furious fashion.

I snapped and read him to filth.  It was all i could do to keep from crying.  I WAS FURIOUS!...And I couldn't control any thing from that point on for a good 4 or 5 hours.  It felt like a tidal wave or an earthquake in my mind and body.

When it was all over I realized what had happened and as remorseful as i was, I felt and still feel I did the very best I could with the situation.  Now I'm minus 1 lover and minus 1 friend.  What's done is done and can't be undone.  It doesn't hurt too bad but I am in a mild depression after all of this, where I may be for a good month.  This blog unfortunately doesn't have any happy ending or conclusions.  I just wanted to share it with people to see if anyone else suffers from this illness in isolation and loneliness the way I do.

Many people take for granted the need for human touch, and some of us really suffer without it.  I hope you enjoyed this or could relate to it in some way.  cheers!